Friday, February 04, 2005


How to Gain Weight Without Really Trying

Are you fed up of leading a healthy, active life? Would you like to grow a lovely fat neck and a pair of enormous thighs? If so, this is what to do.

The first step, is to avoid eating regular meals. Why? Because regular meals encourage you to eat a balanced diet which is bound to reduce your weight problem. So if you prefer to wear your food: start snacking!

For best results, I suggest you visit your local supermarket and stock up with crisps, fun-bars, family packs of chocolate biscuits, and cakes. Why? Because all these foods can be gulped down at a moment’s notice. I mean, why do you think we have commercial breaks on TV? Answer: so we can rush out to the kitchen and load up with lots of little packets of fat!

What if you’re forced to cook regular meals? How can you do this and still get fat? The answer is: get out the frying pan! Never forget: a frying pan is a fat person’s best friend, so pull it out, fill it with oil and start frying! You can fry almost anything – rashers, sausages, black pudding, eggs, bread, potatoes and of course waffles!

So if your double-chin isn’t growing as fast as you would like, take my advice and make friends with your frying pan. OK, you may develop indigestion and constipation, but believe me this is a small price to pay. Besides, how else are you going to give your husband a heart attack and waddle off to the West Indies on the proceeds of his life assurance policy?

Now, a warning about fruit and vegetables. If you are serious about putting on weight, don’t waste time eating fruit and vegetables. Why not? Because they are totally non-fattening. So if you want to look really fat and bloated the next time you go to Mass, avoid fruit and vegetables and eat cake instead.

Which brings me to a much more serious point. Don’t fall into the trap of eating any of this silly low-fat food, like low-fat milk and yogurt. Why not? Because low-fat food doesn’t clog up your arteries and fatten up your thighs like full-fat food. In fact, to be honest, if you switch to low-fat food, you can almost kiss your weight problem goodbye!

To avoid this trap, simply check your food label for fat content. For example, if the label says Low-fat, put it straight back on the shelf and find one which contains lots of fat – the more the better. If in doubt, just remember this: the fatter your food, the fatter you get!

Which reminds me, whenever you do your weekly shopping, always stock up at the delicatessen counter with a big tub of coleslaw, lots of chops and a big fatty roast. Don’t forget: many of the biggest tummies in Britain have been reared on coleslaw and fatty meat.

Next, a word about alcohol. One of the quickest ways to put on weight is to park your bottom on a bar stool and leave it there four or five nights a week. This approach never fails. In fact you can almost feel your bottom getting bigger with every drink!

Finally, if you can’t get to the pub, don’t despair – you can fatten yourself up just as easily at home. Just pull out the chocolate and the biscuits while you watch TV and your weight problem will be with you for ever!

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