Thursday, February 03, 2005


Weight Control During Holidays

What's a good way to survive Christmas? Answer: drive to the airport and fly first-class to a holiday island in the sun – preferably in the company of a rich young man who thinks you resemble perfection. Leave a note on the mantelpiece with your forwarding address, so your presents can be sent on to you, accordingly.

If you prefer to stay in Britain, simply book yourself and your admirer into a luxury hotel with a health spa and 4-star room-service. However, in this case don’t leave a forwarding address. I mean let’s be honest, you don’t want himself and the children turning up on Christmas Day looking for their dinner, do you?

If you’re stuck at home and can’t get away, don’t despair! There are lots of things you can do to make life a little bit more bearable. For example, here are a few novel ideas for Christmas presents.

For your teenage son, I suggest a Manchester United straitjacket with matching handcuffs and gag. On Christmas morning, simply snap the cuffs over his wrists, insert gag in his mouth and then help him on with the jacket. The little darling will love it.

For your teenage daughter, I suggest a tube of Super-Glue lipstick. This should keep her quiet for most of Christmas Day. Alternatively, buy her a nose-ring with matching chain and padlock. Simply attach ring to nose, then fasten one end of the chain to ring and padlock the other end to her bedroom doorknob. Works a treat!

For the man in your house, I suggest you invest in a Meg Ryan look-a-like blow-up doll. This should keep him occupied for most of the holiday period and tire him out into the bargain. An Action Man or a set of building blocks is another possibility, but be sure to get the junior version. After all, if it’s too difficult he won’t bother.

As for the mother-in-law, how about treating her to a Christmas Safari in Central Africa? Apparently, the scenery is absolutely heart-stopping and if the scenery doesn’t do the trick, perhaps the lions will. The insurance implications are also quite interesting. With your children immobilised, your husband fully occupied and your mother-in-law in Africa, you now have Christmas Day entirely to yourself. So relax, put your feet up and tuck into a few goodies. It’s nothing more than you deserve.

Later, you can serve up a nice turkey roast for yourself, with all the trimmings, and don’t worry about the washing up! The children will be more than happy to do it, in return for being freed from their straitjacket or doorknob. In fact, before you release them you may be able to negotiate a whole range of good behaviour from them, especially if you wave a juicy piece of turkey breast under their nose. Cruel? Perhaps, but that’s life, right?

Even if none of this is possible and you end up cooking Christmas dinner for the usual collection of chocolate-filled children, beer-starved men and stony-faced in-laws, you can still strike a blow for women’s rights.

For example, over pudding, just say in a firm voice: ‘Right, since I’ve done all the cooking, why don’t the men do the washing up?’ Nine times out of ten, it works!

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